I have often written on various aspects of foreign travel. Those musings appear in my book Fifty-Fifty, The Clarity of Hindsight and elsewhere. It is a subject which obviously is quite near and dear to my heart.
I recently came across an article of various complaints received from Thomas Cook Vacations from dissatisfied customers. The list was long and, frankly, quite shockingly funny in a sad and pathetic way.
Here are a few of those complaints, along with some possible solutions to rather sticky situations:
1. From visitors to Spain. “There were to many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us there would be so many foreigners.”
Really? No one at Thomas Cook made any mention there would be so many foreigners in a foreign country? It must have been really stunning for these tourists to find not only Spanish people in the great nation of Spain, but Spanish speakers to boot! Imagine that? This traveler should definitely request, and be granted, a full refund from Thomas Cook Travel. Serious cultural omissions like this should simply not be tolerated by traveling members of the public, and someone of course should pay for this dereliction of duty. Or perhaps this traveler should have stayed home where there are no foreigners; and instead communed with like-minded (or perhaps non-minded) non-foreigners. Just a thought.
2. From visitors to Jamaica. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
Indeed, I agree with this tourist that it is in fact patently unfair. After all, why should things be so easy for us Americans? It seems to me that it would be far more fair if the travel operator had instead arranged for a rocket to beam this tourist up to a very far away galaxy, where he might find some basic books on geography. Or perhaps even an almighty atlas. How about a one-way trip to a public library with an umbrella-laden drink?
3. From visitors to an island resort. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure didn’t mention mosquitoes.”
Now why on God’s green earth would there be mosquitoes on a tropical island? Or on an African safari? Or in a park in L.A. in the summer time? Might that be, pray tell, where mosquitoes actually live their short lives? The nerve of mosquitoes, inhabiting a traveler’s airspace! Clearly, those island mosquitoes have no manners whatsoever, and certainly they don’t know their proper buzzing place. In the interest of fundamental fairness, I’m thinking that the travel brochure should also tell prospective visitors to take toothpaste, because (one never knows), the tourist might want to engage in the odd activity of brushing his or her teeth. This reminder would be done simply as a public service, of course. The travel operator might also want to suggest visitors take sunglasses, because there may in fact be sunshine present on an island. After all, that does happen sometimes. Finally, they should probably suggest that visitors with impaired vision pack glasses and/or contact lenses, in case they have a strange desire to see anything. Just saying.
4. From visitors to a beach resort. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
Now this one really upset me. No one, and I mean no one, should have to engage in any kind of washing when on holiday, as that defeats the whole purpose of going on vacation. Talk about bad business practices! I simply cannot imagine what the marketing department at Thomas Cook was thinking when they wrote up their brochure. Clearly they weren’t thinking at all. Had I been employed in the marketing department and asked to draft the brochure, I certainly would have added some clear disclaimer language. Something like, “Please be summarily advised that, sadly, should you elect to actually participate in the reckless and dirty activity of beach-going, YOU WILL FIND REAL SAND ON THE BEACH. The Company is not, will not, and shall not be held in any way responsible or liable for any or all cleaning of such sand, or related activities or expenses associated therewith.” There. Now that seems much clearer.
5. My perennial favorite. “My fiancé and I requested twin beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room we booked.”
This letter renders me completely shocked by the outrageous corporate behavior of Thomas Cook. Of course the hotel in this instance should be held responsible. And perhaps Thomas Cook Travel as well. After all, had there been twin beds in the guest room in question, there of course would have been a zero chance of anyone EVER becoming pregnant. Nosireebob. It is very well-known that there has never been a single reported pregnancy ever in a university dormitory, frat or sorority house, military base, rehab facility, or any other housing situation where there are multiple beds and occupants under one roof. Nope. This is simply corporate irresponsibility of the highest magnitude.
Frankly, I think this tourist should consider retaining an attorney. Why? To sue the traveler’s parents. The cause of action would be for the intentional infliction of stupidity. Or if they can’t prove that on the facts at hand, then perhaps the unintentional infliction of moronic conduct. As an alternative, the tourist’s parents could perhaps be sued for the many times this tourist was apparently dropped (very hard, it would seem), on her head as a small child. Only that could account for such a post-holiday letter to a travel operator.
Travel safe, travel well, travel on and bon voyage. And please, don’t forget your glasses.
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